HAHA. My life is pathetic. Dance is my boyfriend. K.

9:34 pm  •  16 May 2012

I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep and dream

until I am happy and I am not lonely or lost anymore

and someone loves me and accepts me for everything.

I don’t know.

I just don’t want to have emotional breakdowns every day

and I want to know that I am doing the right thing by making myself happy

and I don’t want to fight with my dad over my future or my choices anymore.

I want to do something that someone else appreciates

and I want to make someone else happy.

I don’t feel important or wanted or loved and I just want to be held and know that I am important to someone.

I want to see the world and I don’t want to be trapped in this town or house anymore.

I just want to be…

Something…words can’t even describe this anymore.

I would just like to be.

10:54 pm  •  30 April 2012  •  1 note

I could never explain how much I love and need dance in my life. Dance is literally my drug. Dance is my art. Dance is my therapy… It is so many things to me, I can’t even list them all. I love the euphoric sensation I feel every time I step onto the floor or stage; and when the music starts to play, it shoots through my veins and gives me so much adrenaline and energy that I can’t contain it. I love being able to dance and let myself go and literally not feel any negative emotions or pain; everything is numbed and I’m happy. It’s like my soul is being pulled out from underneath a rock and my true being is being exposed. When I’m dance, I’m at my most vulnerable state, but it’s also the only time I feel strong. A jolt of energy passes through every particle of me and I can feel the life radiating from myself. I love dance, and no one could ever truly understand my passion unless they’ve felt it themselves. I can’t accurately put it into words, but I can say that the only time I can truly be myself is when I’m on the floor doing what I love.

8:08 pm  •  19 January 2012  •  3 notes

I wake up each morning a bit more tired than the day before, no matter how many hours I sleep. Things have been extraordinarily weird lately. My days seem to fuse together and pass by extremely fast; I can barely accomplish anything because of such a lack of time. And motivation…well, I have none. There’s nothing I truly care to work towards or achieve, even though there are so many things I need to be doing. And as each day passes, I don’t even feel like I have time to accomplish anything anymore. I’m not exactly sure why. Also, I’m lonely. As I’ve said recently, I’ve only kept a few friends within close range these past few months because of reasons I cannot really explain. I constantly feel like the people closest to me are sick of me now; I’m a burden because I’m so clingy and just a downright awful friend. I wish I had the ability to right my wrongs and gain more friends that aren’t on such a superficial level, but if I’m being honest, this is completely beyond my control. I’d love to have control of my life and mind and actions back, but it feels as if someone or something is leading me along this path and I’m not strong enough to fight them and go my own way.

Maybe it’s just because I’m scared. I know what I’m so afraid of, but at the same time I understand that it’s not just that- I’m scared of something and I don’t even know what…how scary is that? I’ve been trapped in this place for over two years now…trapped in a world full of our promises. We vowed to help each other out, to make each other happy once again. Together, we were full of joy and liveliness. All we had to do to keep our promise was simply exist as one. But as we split, that disappeared and my black cloud got darker; I became ambivalent toward practically everything and that’s when I lost my control. I’m afraid that I’m stuck in our moment from December 2009 and everything-even you-have been going forward. Maybe I seem obsessive lately, but the truth is I need you right now. I need you so fucking bad, but you’re more distant from me than ever. And while I’m being honest, I think I hate you…how ironic is that? I love you and I hate you; is that even possible?
Whatever it is, I needed you today more than most days, and you became further away than before. I don’t know where to go from here and I’m not entirely sure what the future has in store for us anymore, I just hope you understand that I never stopped feeling this for you.

I think about dying daily. Not suicidal; I would never want to or have the ability to end my life, ever. But I think about what would happen if I ceased to exist, or if something were to take me, or someone I care about, away. What would happen? Would I be happy with the way things ended? Would I regret anything? The truth is, I would wish to have taken more chances and I would wish to have lived more. So that’s what’s wrong now, I just don’t truly live to my fullest potential.
I used to be ashamed of these thoughts and afraid to express them; I didn’t think other people would be able to understand or handle them and I was afraid of the reactions I would receive. As I tried to suppress the thoughts for years, I realized I had no control over them. So this is me now; I’m not ashamed of what goes through my head and what keeps me up at night. I’ve realized that this is my problem, and maybe one day I’ll have a muse besides dance. But for now, I’m okay.

My self-destructive behavior has been excessive these days, but maybe that’s just a minor flaw like everything else I’ve listed here. I’ve found that when you truly love someone, their flaws make them perfect. So if I love myself and I embrace these flaws, in my eyes, I become perfect. That’s good enough for me, for now.

12:10 am  •  9 January 2012  •  5 notes

I’m not one to believe in the whole “New year, new you” thing, but I do enjoy using the New Year as a reflection to what I’ve been through and how I’ve changed as well as an opportunity to grow over the next year.

I don’t remember much of 2010, it was an awfully disgusting and all around horrible year in my life. 2011 has definitely been better and I must say that I have truly grown as a person. I fucked up. I fucked up a lot; I never truly meant to and I lost a lot of my self control. But after all that fucking up and bullshit I’ve been through, I’ve learned a lot. About myself and about life. I closed myself off to a lot of people, and I can honestly say only a handful of my friends have remained, and the rest have either become distant or have disappeared altogether. I realized what I truly love and am passionate for. Even though it has always been there in my life, this year was my year that I truly discovered how much I love dance and I don’t know what the hell I would do without it. Being crowned with Dancers Inc and starting my time with them has been amazing, and I’m so excited for the events I’ll be joining them for in 2012. I cannot wait to grow as a dancer and keep on working toward my future. I also realized how much I love life. Even though there have been so many bad days, I’ve pulled through. Every day is an opportunity to live life and it would be stupid to waste it. I cannot wait to take advantage of my future. I found hope in music. Man Overboard and The Wonder Years pulled me out of some of my darkest days and showed me that it does get better; hold on and good things will come your way, you just have to make it there to see them. I realized that I hate everybody. Seriously. Everybody sucks. Well, a lot of people. People are immature, stupid, and assholes. But I’m better off without them. Basically, 2011 made me a lot happier and more mature. I found myself for the most part, and everything became a lot more clear to me. There’s still an infinite amount of things that I don’t know, but I’ll learn and figure things out as time goes on. Life is too short to waste, so I’m excited to make the most out of it. I cannot wait to see what 2012 holds.

To the friends that I have lost, hurt, or pushed out: Please understand that I never chose to do any of that to you. Know that I cannot help the fact that I did those things. I panicked, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry if something I did really hurt you and left you in the dark. I’m sorry that I’m flakey, but I honestly cannot help it. If you haven’t realized, I do have a problem and it’s not something I am having an easy time getting through. But I’m working on it.

So this is it. I’m hoping 2012 will be good to me. I’m hoping I can get better and gain more self control. I hope I can be more consistent and open with everyone, but I know it’s not going to be easy, and I’m not sure that it’s a challenge I’m willing to face right away. But one step at a time, I will get better, and I will make myself a better person. I will move on from my depression and I will get answers for why I am like this. I hope this year, you can forgive me for everything, but if you can’t, I will understand.

Here we go, 2012. Time to focus on myself and make myself better.

3:19 pm  •  31 December 2011  •  108 notes

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1:50 am  •  29 December 2011

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10:12 pm  •  4 December 2011  •  5 notes

Most days, I stay up till the early hours of the morning, doing nothing except thinking about all these cliche things. The past. The present. The future. How much I don’t like this town. How badly I want to graduate and put everything behind me; starting over.

I am tired. So, so tired. Tired of these thoughts and of making myself this empty and emotionless. I’m tired of not being able to pull myself up and bring myself out of this mess because there is nowhere to go when you’re trapped in one place. Like a caged bird, I am so ready to break free. I need to unshackle the chains from my ankles, but I can’t do so until June comes around. Waiting is one of life’s greatest tortures.

My relationships with people are dwindling as each day passes; my friendships are hanging by a thread because I’m a ‘terrible’ person. When I’m in one of these moods, I cut myself off from people, letting the ties loosen and eventually fall apart. It’s not that I don’t care or I don’t want to be around people, because I definitely do. In fact, the only times that I’m actually happy and not spiraling down an emotionless abyss are when I’m dancing or when I’m out with people I love and cherish. But it takes so much motivation to leave my room some days that I can’t bring myself to surround myself with people that don’t understand what runs through my head daily. It’s all so complicated that I’m actually astonished that I could feel this way and my mind can come up with this shit.

I am so lucky to be alive and I want so badly to be able to embrace that. I just don’t know how to right now. How do I make myself happier? How do I really live when I’m just a single human being? How do I conquer the world with all these restrictions? It’s probably a lot easier than I think, but I make every situation so much more complicated than it should be.

What can I say? Every rose has it’s thorns. I guess these are mine. My indecisive nature. My apathetic attitude when life hits me at full force and I choose not to pay attention to it. My ability to create a complicated puzzle from the simplest picture. The way I stay up at night and think about you, and my future, and if what I’m doing is right or wrong. My inability to differentiate between right and wrong half the time…

I’ve made so many mistakes; traveled down so many wrong paths. Dead ends which I had to turn around and go backwards in order to go forward again. I’ve lead myself off the path of progress and had to improvise my way back on. I’m pretty sure I’m still improvising this path, but in the next few months I’ll be back on and hopefully stay on that track. I only hope people don’t pass wrong judgements on me because of these paths. But then again, if they do, what importance are these people to me? Does their opinion matter? It doesn’t.

————-

It’s so amazing how kids always manage to see the good in someone, but rarely see the bad. I adore Jax; she’s like a little sister to me, except she never annoys me. Sometimes I think it’s sad that I’d rather spend time with a 10 year old than someone my own age, but this girl admires me…it’s almost disgusting, but also fantastic. She’s been through so much and life hasn’t been easy on her recently, but she keeps going and I am so proud of her for that. She looks up to me as if I’m some queen or goddess, I know how much she loves me and idolizes me. But she only knows that good part of me; the dancer, the part of me that interacts with people on a surface level. She’s never been beyond that surface, in my head, and she hasn’t seen my mistakes or flaws, and I just hope that if she ever does, it wouldn’t change her perception of me. I don’t want her to believe that I’m a perfect person, that I haven’t made mistakes and I haven’t been in dark places. Because I don’t want her to have a false perception of people as she grows up-I don’t want her to face that disappointment when she realizes that a perfect person does not exist and the “perfect” Nicole she loved wasn’t so perfect all along.

I need her to know that you don’t need to be perfect in order to make it out alright. And I’ll tell her that eventually, in a few months when she’ll understand it better.

————-

Well, it’s 4:20 am, please excuse me for anything here that may not make sense or flow properly. Excuse the grammatical and syntax errors and anything that may not make sense to anybody but myself. This is all just my brain vomiting thoughts, and it was extremely necessary. Thank you.

4:21 am  •  26 November 2011  •  1 note